The Gift of Imperfect Mothering

My husband was assigned to give a talk to our congregation on Mother's day and I've thought a lot about the approach he could take as it's such a loaded topic and ripe with ways to offend and hurt.  I didn't use to understand this tension and guilt surrounding Mother's day when I was younger and even in early motherhood because I happened to enjoy it and felt like I was pretty good at it (future self: "Bwahaha!")  Then middle childhood happened. and those feelings of confidence went down as fast my kids grew up.  I now understand the complex emotions that happen as you hear about perfect women who never yelled, or of a mom that made warm chocolate chip cookies for the neighborhood every Friday or of a mom that actually did the elf on the shelf every flippin night.  When you're sitting there listening to the shiny and polished versions of motherhood and replaying your morning where you may have yelled "Get in the car! Are you kidding me?  You can't find your shoes?  How old are you? Do I have to do everything around here?!"  You may start to shift in your seat uncomfortably and then when you sing "Love at Home" your eyes may well up and turn into a stifled sob as you think, "How are my kids ever going to turn out when there is not beauty all around and there is definitely not joy in every sound?" 

Happy Mother's Day!  Of course, we all have a choice to be offended, and no one makes us feel inadequate without our permission but I think we do everyone a disservice when we idealize and talk about mothering as womanhood perfected.  It is a giant set up for current and future generations of mothers who will get there and wake up in a cold sweat with the realization that just because you have a baby does not mean you will automatically be bestowed with wisdom, maturity, love, and perfection.

So how do we honor Mother's?  We show them there is no way to be a perfect mother, but many ways to be a great one.

Through different conversations and thinking a lot about it, I thought of all the women I know and what fantastic mother's they all are.  I went through the enormous list and realized how vastly different each woman was.  If they're all so different, how could they each be great moms?  Isn't there a one size fits all ideal of what a good mom is?  To me that ideal looks like a mom who is always patient, kind, affectionate, wise, always serving and selfless, keeps her home tidy and welcoming, has boundless energy for her many demands and busy lifestyle, finds time to exercise and look fit and fashionable, cooks balanced delicious homemade meals, volunteers at the school and helps her children be great students,  is usually cheerful and fun,  teaches them to work hard and always has a wise little truism that her children will use to guide their life, even better if it's a catchy little tune. Oh and she's an incredible, supportive wife who greets her husband with lipstick and a big kiss every night.  Yes, you guessed it, it's Daniel Tiger's Mom.  I know this sounds ridiculous and funny, but I'm sure we all have an "ideal" we're comparing ourselves to.   But really ask yourself does anyone measure up to your "ideal"?  And on the .057 percent chance they do, they are human and inevitably have flaws, however, hidden or subtle they may be, so I guarantee you they don't.  For the majority of us mere mortals, how we mother is based on our individual and varying strengths and weaknesses.  So the only common thread that great mom's share is that they care about their kids, and they try to be their very best.  That's it. 

So one mom could be a great organized efficient mom, but maybe she's not great at the emotional stuff; comforting her kids, teaching them how to be emotionally resilient and communicative.  One mom could be a homemaker extraordinaire and do the cutest V.I.P posters on the block but maybe she tends to yell and lose patience.  One mom may be the warmest, most nurturing mom but her kids depend too much on her and are not independent.  One mom may be fun and adventurous but bad at making sure homework is done and keeping track of details and logistics.  The list could go on and on.  We are all great at something.  Everyone was born with natural strengths, gifts, and talents.  And on the flip side, everyone was born with flaws and weaknesses.  But here's the beauty of an imperfect, incomplete mom; She gives her children the gift of experience, growth and the message that imperfect is okay and even expected. And those flaws she hates and feels guilty about are the greatest teachers for her kids.  What a gift we give them by letting them see us as a whole, imperfect person.  By doing that we give them permission to be their whole, imperfect self.  We teach them that we all have strengths and we should use those and play those up.  We teach them that we all have faults and should learn and grow from those.  The child of the unorganized mom will that mistakes were made but life went on.  The child of the impatient domestic goddess will learn how to be better balanced as they learn that maybe their mom just pushed themselves too hard, so they can re-calibrate and try to find the balance. Every failing is an opportunity for learning.  God very much knew who we were when he sent these kids to us, and he very much knew that they could learn from the good, the bad and the ugly.  So let's do us and our kids a favor and drop the "ideal" facade and go with who we are.  Let's utilize our strengths, be open and humble about our shortcomings, and show the world and especially our kids that we love our whole selves and that our imperfections can be beautifully profound and meaningful. Happy Mother's Day to all the imperfect mothers!