Oh Yeah I'm a Grownup

This thought occurs to me, oh about 3 times a day, at least.  Mostly they are not pleasant realizations, like when Belle fell off of the counter and split her chin and was pouring blood and I literally ran around, flapping and fluttering, and I was looking for my phone and then manically dialing whoever came to mind and then when someone finally picked up and told me to take her to instacare I flapped and fluttered around til I got everyone in the car and then while we were driving she was falling asleep and I was yelling through tears "Belle, STay with me!  HOld on!  Stay with me!"  and then Josh met me there and strolled in and was calm as a summer's morn and went back there with her while they stitched her up and I was crying and holding my other child tight like I would never take his life for granted again even if we lost the other child, and then I was like "oh yeah I"m a grown up. I maybe should have handled that better."

Or when I hide in a dark corner with a darth vader mask and jump out at my 2 year old, and they keep saying "that scary.  that scare me.. that scary"  I think "oh yeah, I'm a grown up, maybe shouldn't do that to the 2 year old, the 5 and 7 year old, fine, but there is a line."

Or that time that time when your kids are almost turning 4 and you're registering them for preschool and the forms are like all "your kid must be potty trained, blah blah blah.. " picky, picky. and you're like "oh yeah I'm a grown up.  Dang it."  And then you were so late to the game with one of your children that your mother in law potty trained them while you were on vacation... and you were like "hmm so that's what grown ups do". Fyi Peter is potty trained and just a few months past 3!  Major grown up status, even if he did just decide to take matters into his own hands.

Or that time your kids are going down on cookies at a farewell and all the other mom's are like "how many have you had young man?  oh 3!  Well not another bite for you!" and you're like "oh yeah i'm a grown up, maybe I should like set a limit on treats or something?  "Belle how many have you had?  ten?  Okay, that sounds good, maybe one or two more."  Or like when the kids are playing in a church at a party or something during the week and those other grown ups are like 'kids! no playing in the hall!"  and you're like "hmm, I'm not really sure why, but oh yeah I'm a grown up, so I better implement random rules cause I want to look like I know what I'm doing. "  "Kids, you heard me, Do what that other mom said!"

Or that time when you're at your friends house and one of your kids throws up all over her carpet and you really think hard of whether to let your pregnant friend clean it up, I mean after all she knows where the cleaning supplies are and  she's just pretty grown up, plus you've never cleaned it up before, your grown up husband has always done it. So you look at your pregnant friend and you dig deep down and dry heave but then you think "oh yeah, I'm a grown up. I'm supposed to clean up my own child's vomit".

The list could go on and on, being on time, going to parent teacher conferences and acting like you're going to really "work with them at home" and doing church callings and stuff.  And pretty much it stinks (I really wanted to say another word but I know my Mom reads this so I'm afraid I'm still not quite grown up enough to use salty language.)  But I do have to say almost as much as the realization hits me and I get a pit in my stomach, there are an equal amount of times that it brings me inexpressible joy.

Like that time when we were first married and in a teeny dark wood paneled depressing basement apartment and it snowed early November and I had an inexpressible urge to decorate for Christmas and bring some light and cheer to our cave and as a working girl earning a whopping 7.50 an hour I went out and bought a hideous cheap tree and hideous cheap ornaments and decorated before the "financially savvy" husband came home and then felt guilty because my mom had taught us the importance of hard work, honesty, morality and most important, not buying into the commercializing of Christmas and overlooking the beautiful wondrous important holiday of Thanksgiving and then I was like "OH Yeah!  I"m a grown up!  I get to decide when to decorate and Thanksgiving is lame anyway. "

And that time when I was in college about to clean the toilet bowl the trusty way I was taught  by getting a rag and a pumice stone for those stubborn rings and diving in with my bare hand to scrub away and then my roommate was like "um, just go buy a toilet brush" and I was like "OH yeah I'm a grown up!  I can go buy things so I don't have to lose all dignity and resort to disgusting things."

And that time when I was buying some clothes and I thought hmm, maybe this "hugs my bottom" too much, but then I was like "oh yeah I'm a grown up and I happen to have a great bottom so I'm getting it!" Or when I was trying on clothes that were "not my season" and I felt like I was shoplifting for getting a brown shirt but then I was like "oh yeah I'm a grown up and no one younger than 50 knows that rule and I happen to think brown brings out my skin and eyes, even if I'm not an "autumn"."

And that time when I was shopping at Target by myself and I was like "ooohh I'm so thirsty and that icee looks so good.  too bad.  and then I was like "OH YEAH! I'm a grown up and that's like 1 dollar and I can buy whatever I want!!!!

Or the times when I decide to read a book all day and not clean, or put on red lipstick just to brighten my day and feel pretty, or buy myself cafe rio for lunch,  or just driving anywhere and cranking up the music,  or making up rules for my kids as I go, or having a schedule for cleaning my house and then saying "Vacuum?  Nope. Take that you pesky rigid schedule.  I won't do it til tomorrow, I don't feel like it right now." Or getting to have babies and smelling them after a bath, or looking at the little people you're responsible for and most definitely screwing up but looking at them with a sense of wonderment and anxiety and pure love, and getting married and laying in bed giggling, and cuddling during a movie and thinking "I get to have my best friend forever and have slumber parties every night!"  But also knowing that that fun best friend will drive you crazy and you could be annoyed at the way they chew, but knowing that they love you despite those thing that you do too and that you're in it for the long haul and you're definitely going to come out of this better people. And learning things the hard way but growing from it, and just having the freedom to choose the most minute detail to those big forks in the road.  It's all very scary and humbling but also very exciting and awe inspiring and beautiful.  So yeah, I guess I'm a grown up and I'm okay with that.

P.S. I love discussions, so let's hear from you.  Do you have these realizations like I do? Do you like being a grown up?  What is the worst/best parts of being a grown up for you?