Inside Depression

Aren't you excited to read such a fun lighthearted post?  Buckle down, and get the prozac out cause I'm going to take you to a deep dark place.  :)

English teachers look away because besides my horrifying spurts of punctuation, I'm about to break a big rule in telling you why I'm writing this post.  I know it should be clear but I feel I need to explain.  I am writing this post because even with all our progress as a society in understanding and tolerating differences, we still have such a long way to go.  Yes we don't lock new depressed mom's away in asylums and do electric shock therapy but I still hear phrases and descriptions of people with mental illness that at best make me cringe and at worst pain me.  And honestly in most cases I know its just a case of misunderstanding.  For people that have never experienced it must seem so hard to wrap your head around it.  How can we begin to understand something so inward, so personal and so intangible. Even I, a   frequent flyer of depression, hate to admit that when I happen to be in a good place, I forget all too quickly the invisible hurdles people are having to jump just to do the normal daily activities we don't give a second thought to. So forgive me if this is self indulgent, but I have felt for some time that I should write when I'm in the thick of it and what the mindset is of someone that's depressed.  I want to describe what its like, to show how it feels, to paint a picture so clear that even people who are fortunate enough not to encounter it, can all be more empathetic, patient and kind.





This imagery is so real to me that in my minds eye this is always what I picture when I'm struggling with depression.  Imagine you're in a very deep pit, 30 feet down.  Its dark, cold, lonely and terrifying.  You can barely see the sky and some light but it's so distant you feel its an illusion.  You experience many emotions, none of which are pleasant.  In one instance you feel a crushing weight on your chest, breathing is hard and forced, panic builds so much that a palpable fear feels like its eating you from the inside out.  You wonder if you'll ever get out, will you ever lead a normal life, will you ever feel the sunlight on your face and feel happiness?  You're terrified you'll never escape and you know you need to make a plan to get out, but your thoughts are so scattered and irrational you know you can't trust yourself.  So you let the fear overtake you until you're body shuts down into a deep despair.  You feel as if someone so dear to you has died, you can't stop shuddering with deep heavy sobs, you mourn the life you could have, the one you know you have and should be grateful for but that your incapable of enjoying.  Even in your despair and tears there's a voice in the back of your consciousness that tells you how ridiculous you're being.  "You're alive aren't you?  Nothing is wrong, you're just in this pit that you were stupid enough to fall into and you could probably climb out if you had half a brain.  Why on earth are you acting like your world is ending, you are so dramatic and pitiful and pathetic, just buck up and stop being so sensitive."  The shame and self conscious pain crashes down and you weakly give in to the belligerent critic til it becomes ingrained and no other argument or viewpoint is even within reach.  But no one can endure such a toxic dialogue playing on a loop for long so then your mind goes into sleep mode.  Your figurative screensaver comes on and you breathe and your heart beats but any feeling, even sadness, or anger are out of your range. You've lost your signal, you can't think or make decisions, the smallest choices of what to eat can be so exhausting its easier just not to.  Choices, higher thinking and emotions simply don't compute.  You know you're in a pit, and to survive and thrive you should get out but you don't remember why you should, what it felt like to be out of the pit, you forget who you are at your core, you try reaching for it, for some sense of worth or identity but its a fuzzy memory at best. Nothing makes sense, a fog has filled the pit and you curl up in the fetal position in a sad daze.  Everything feels heavy, dark and unclear.

This for me is how it feels to have depression.  Its one of the most humbling, terrifying experiences I've been through.  In the real life application, its almost worse because no one can see you're in a pit, you look normal and healthy and occasionally you emerge and can smile and laugh if you're distracted enough.  But for me when it hits, its a battle to get up in the morning, I wake up with a pit in my stomach and a weight on my chest, I meditate, do yoga, go for a run, pray and ponder and sometimes that works but mostly it doesn't.  Everything is a chore, everything is a mental battle, choosing an outfit, deciding if I should wash my hair, opening an email let alone answering it, getting the energy to clean or even eat, getting out and being social, every minute detail feel like Herculean tasks.

So what does this have to do with you?

Chances are you know someone that fights this.  It could be that girl in your ward who is cold and hard to talk to, it could be your neighbor who can be really social one minute and then seems to be a recluse, it could be your carpool partner that is so flaky and forgetful all the time,  it could be your wife who smiles tightly and keeps it all in but seems weighed down and fragile. It could be anyone you know and love, so how can you help them?

Be patient, so very patient.  It must be so hard for you, you have to carry the load for 2 people and the person you see slipping away and that you want to help so desperately is distant and cold.  Just remember that that coldness is most likely shame, guilt and embarrassment.  They hate that they're like this, they feel silly and self conscious that nothing "outward" is wrong and they're adding to your burden, it kills them so the only way they know how to deal with that is by pushing you away or pretending like nothing is wrong.

Be loving and empathetic.  Sometimes they might ask for advice but mostly they just want to be listened to, to feel like someone understands, doesn't judge and loves them no matter what.

Remind them of their worth.  Build them up, tell them how great they are, and yes it won't solve it but it will at least be one message of hope and light to fight the barrage of negativity they're telling themselves.

If you yourself are struggling with this I am so sorry. It really is so awful and confusing even when we're the one experiencing it.  Don't give up, know that people love you, and people fight this and win all the time.  We can all be in this together if we're just more open, loving and compassionate.