Parenting 101

If you were divide my thoughts into percentages this would be the breakdown. 2% is devoted to debating with myself whether to write that apology email/facebook message to bookclub/friends/neighbors or everyone in relief society on a comment that I nervously mentally vomited out.  1.5% is devoted to scavenging the house and wondering how, where and what I can procure to satisfy my sweet craving. 8% is used for coming up with mind games and motivational tricks and analyzing pros and cons of cleaning my house, "okay set the timer, see how fast you can do it", "call your sister and distract yourself" or my favorite "wait for Josh to call on his way home and do a mad dash to clean and sweep and load and scrub and then greet him with a kiss and a pretense that it looked like that all day", then about 14% is spent thinking about people and personalities and relationships.  " What if that shy person is like super wild and crazy with her family or friends, what is she really like? Why is that person just so good and not sarcastic and why can't I relate at all to them?  and I wonder what they're marriage is like, what do they talk about when its just the two of them?"  "I wonder what they're family culture was growing up, is that what makes them who they are? etc..."  And then 74.5% is spent thinking, living, and breathing parenting. I.e. how to do it better, what my kids are going to talk to their future therapists about, how to make my daughter in laws like me, etc...   And man if thinking, worrying, stewing, analyzing and projecting=great parenting, I would be pretty darn amazing.

But here is what I've learned in all the hours I've thought and thought and thought.  Get ready to have your mind blow with my wisdom. The lesson I've learned repeatedly is:  that I don't know anything, not one thing, and the longer I parent, the more acutely aware I am of that.   Don't get me wrong I used to know everything, its just all gone downhill since then.  When I was 8, my first nephew was born and from there they just kept multiplying so from a young age I got to observe and watch and judge and analyze my brothers and sisters and make little mental notes of what they were doing right and what they were really missing the boat on and what I would so wisely do to correct all those obvious mistakes.  I mean if they would just be consistent, if only they would follow through, sheesh they didn't even lay out their expectations, if only they had told the 4 year old that she should be quiet in church, surely she would have, I mean when I babysat I asked them to go to bed and they just did, clearly they just need someone a little more knowledgeable in charge.   If they just explained to the 2 year old in a calm but firm voice that they couldn't get that toy at the store surely he would obey and feel loved and validated all at the same time.  Sigh, if only they would ask me, the 14 year old for advice...   I'll let you parents chortle over that for a minute and let you non parents nod in agreement.

And you know what? that 14 year old was right.  Kind of.  Parents should be consistent and firm and loving and follow through and lay out clear expectations.  But, and there's a big J.LO but there, nothing can prepare you for having kids.  Nothing.  Honestly, babysitting, being around kids a lot, nothing prepares you for the good and the bad of having your own kids.  And besides all the slightly cynical stuff of yes you should follow through but you haven't had a full nights sleep in 3 years and so you're going to let some things slide, or that child is just really hard, etc..  It's the little insignificant things that later (after a binge of reeses in my locked bathroom) that crack me up and make me scratch my head thinking I never ever would have pictured this in a million years.

I'm am constantly taken by surprise by the things that my day involves. Motherhood is full of contradictions that I didn't see coming. Its full of variety and not knowing what the next minute will bring and and then as you're wiping the counter for the 30 billionth time you feel like you must have the most mundane, menial job in the world.  Its loving someone so much it gives you a stomach ache and then feeling shame and guilt that you could just yell at your anxious child that keeps getting out of bed.  It's wanting to wake them up because you miss them and want to breathe in their smell and then wanting to scream and crawl out of your skin if one of them sprawls all over your lap in their classic spineless mold to you jello body that is surprisingly made up of pure elbows as they jab into every soft spot of you have.  It's negotiating with a terroist 3 year old on what color of bowl they want, or learning that an 18 month old is God's crowning glory and yet the beginning of a reign of terror with sharpies on the wall.  How one minute you can be holding your sleeping baby and just feeling like you're at Paradise's gate and then a few hours later you and your child are both sobbing as you try to bounce their colic away with various complicated Elaine like dance moves.   Its mind numbing, its exhilarating, its thankless and menial, its gratifying and the biggest thing you'll ever do in your life.  It's soul sucking and soul refining and heart bursting, it brings out your worst side, the side that engages with the 2 year old and then it brings out your mother Teresa selfless, serving side.  It is simple and straightforward, and it is complicated and hard.

All that to say, no matter how many books you read, how many children you've observed, and parent's you've judged, you won't know what you're doing.  And here's the other revelation.  That is perfectly okay, in fact that is how its supposed to be.  My parents were pretty much the ideal parents and yet they missed some things.  There were some gaps in curriculum. So now I am trying my hardest to fill those gaps with my own kids.  And guess what, they will do the same with their children.  And our kids will survive and thrive as they awaken to the things that were missed and be grateful for the things we did well.  For some reason I think we all have this crazy threshold of being practically perfect in every way and honestly that would set our kids up for failure.  We are perfectly imperfect and we're nailing some things and really missing the boat on other things.  But they'll have teachers, family members, spouses, friends associates and life experience to help round that out and all will be well.  Parenting is hard so lets not make it harder by holding ourselves to an impossible standard.  Lets take a deep breath, say "I don't know what I'm doing, but we'll learn together and everything will be just fine."