"You Can Pretend to Care, But You Can't Pretend to Show Up."

So recently I've been through something that in hindsight was not a big deal, but in the moment really affected me and my family.  I had a miscarriage last November and ever since then I have not felt like myself. I was tired all the time , gained weight, and just felt so out of whack, anxious, emotional, irritable, exhausted, achey, etc...  I finally found out  (a year later!) I have hormone issues, thyroid, progesterone, etc...  Then in September I got mono and I went down hard.  For about 2 months I was pretty much in bed (can I get a holla for netflix!).  I would get up to send them to school, and then back up at 12:00 to make a sandwich for the kids.   Other than that I could not and did not move or do anything to expend energy.  I couldn't shop, cook, clean, or do much of anything.  Going up the stairs or putting make up on or even standing up to shower was too much to handle.  It was kind of awful.  But it was also very temporary, not serious and I had a huge support system.  So I cannot imagine what having pain or chronic illness would be like, especially if you didn't have as great a family as I have.

The biggest lesson I learned through that little experience was how good and kind people are.  And also how much it means when they do an act of kindness.  I am so guilty of feeling bad for someone but then when it comes to putting that into action I come up with a million excuses and get overwhelmed and then justify my inaction by some lame excuse "I have a lot going on,"  "I'm barely holding it together, how can I help anyone else at this point?" or "I just don't know how to help her, we're not that close."  As my wonderful Grandpa Bell put it, "You can pretend to care, but you can't pretend to show up."  I know that's pretty simplistic and harsh even, but it really is kind of true.  The people that served me had every excuse in the world, but they put their money where their mouth was and came through.  I was so touched by this time and time again.

A sweet example was of my cousins.  One of them, Brittany is married to a great guy that is a Dr.  My mom emailed him with what was going on (b/c it took a long time to diagnose) and see if he could help or give us a referral to a good Dr.  So of course Brittany who is a VERY busy mom of 4,  is remodeling their house (by themselves), supporting her husband as he is just setting up his practice, I'm sure has a busy church calling, and to top it off was nursing her mom while She was in the hospital for a very scary blood clot that was touch and go for little while.  Oh, and she lives in Ogden and I live in North Salt Lake.  So if I had even one of her excuses I would use it (sorry! I have 4 kids! Sorry I"m remodeling! Sorry, I'm nursing my very sick mother back to health, etc....)  But no even with all that going on, she gets her other sister involved, they happen to be coming to Salt Lake (to pick out flooring for her remodel) and want to stop by and bring me dinner!  Are you kidding me?  Does it get nicer than that?  Honestly I was so blown away and it meant the world knowing all they sacrificed and did all with a cheerful happy heart, acting like it was no big deal.  Wow.  And then after that, she continued to check up on me and see how I was doing.  Amazing.

Another sweet example was my brother Davis. First of all right after my miscarriage I was heartbroken obviously and had told my family.  That's a hard one to help with, because its basically emotional and its hard to know what to do, b/c there's nothing really tangible.   Well, he found a way.  He sent me a sweet little note and 2 movie passes so Josh and I could have a date.  I was so touched and that gesture not only showed me how much he cared but the actual gift was so nice to use.  We really did need to get out and that was the perfect escape and bonding experience that we needed.  And then with this sickness he just thought and thought of a way he could help but it was hard b/c I mainly just needed help with my kids in the day, and he worked and couldn't do that.  So he brought by a costco sized box of fruit snacks, treats and his wii, and an etch a sketch.  My kids were thrilled and entertained which is what I needed so badly.  Again just that he did a gesture was so kind but that it actually helped was a cherry on top.  Anyway, I really had countless experiences like that with my sweet family.  Another brother took my kids after work to feed them dinner so they could play and get out of the house, my sister came on her birthday to clean and cook a meal and play with my kids, and then brought many other meals and watched my kids on many occasions, plus offer constant emotional support which is huge,  my dad had a cancelled meeting and spent his precious time by going to costco for me and helping me with a playgroup I was in charge of, and then my angel Mother spent pretty much every spare minute she had even though she was working, not sleeping at night, and having a million other things to do, she came and brought toys or games for the kids and entertained them so I could rest easier knowing they weren't watching their millionth movie for the day.   Add to that a visiting teacher who brought meals, snacks, a movie to borrow, etc...  and I was incredibly blessed.  All of this is to say, there are ways to serve and that it means the world and helps so much.  Here are some ideas (honestly for me b/c I'm so bad at it) of how you can help someone that is sick or having a hard time.

If the person has young kids anything you can do to help watch or entertain them is huge.  Not only does this help the actual sick person by giving them a break but it helps the kids who are suffering too by not being attended to.  So in that vein:

• Take the kids to your house, play games, do an activity etc...
• If you can't do that, bring the activities to them.  Compile some easy arts and crafts that they could do themselves, i.e. play doh, coloring books, new crayons, pom pom balls and glue, etc...  
• Snacks for the kids or easy meals for lunch is a life saver.  So things they can get themselves, like granola bars or fruit snacks save the sick person from having to fix a meal.  
• Even when the spouse is home its pretty likely everyone needs a break, so Saturdays or evenings are a great time to take the kids to a park or to some activity so they're out of the house and both parents get a breather.  

Suggestions for anyone, no kids, old kids, etc..

• Meals.  They are so nice and even though Josh could cook, it took so much pressure off and gave him more time to do homework with the kids or a much needed wrestle, etc...   I don't love cooking so its hard for me to do this for other people.  An alternative is getting some takeout or soup for just a lunch. Or my sweet visiting teacher brought me a rotisserie chicken, costco soup, some tortellini that just needed to be heated up, a broccoli salad and french bread.  This was great because it lasted for a few days so we could use it when needed.  Frozen lasagna is also great, or all the ingredients needed for a crock pot meal, Deli meat and cheese and rolls, snacks, gift cards to restaurants, etc..  
• Forms of entertainment.  You get really bored really fast just laying around.  Netflix saved me.  Netflix is a great gift b/c you can do it online and for just one month is 8$, plus tell them to use their free month trial and they have 2 months of tons of tv series and movies at their fingertips.  You also give them an amazon git certificate (also online) so they can buy a book or whatever they want.  You could pair this with an email listing your top book recommendations.  If you live close you could loan them your favorite books and movies.  Again my cute visiting teacher/neighbor dropped off a note with some popcorn and their movie of wreck it ralph on a friday so we could have a fun family movie night.  Again so thoughtful and helpful.  If the person has a hobby (I have no such talent) like sewing or something they could do while stationary, a gift certificate to their favorite hobby store or some supplies would be really nice too.  
• This is a random and specific one, but something I craved was some new cozies.  I had one threadbare cozy yoga pants and some super floody ugly pajama bottoms.  It was fine, but wearing those everyday got old and dirty real fast.  Plus I needed something presentable to pick the kids up from school in, but there was no way I was actually going to get dressed for the day.  So if you're close to them and you know their style, some cozy neutral yoga pants and a cute plain cozy shirt that is comfy and presentable would be really nice.  And if you're still not sure of picking something out, those fuzzy socks are always nice to have.  
• Cleaning.  This is a tricky one.  I personally would be embarrassed to have a ward member that I don't know very well (and btw, I once heard someone gossiping about how dirty the house was that she had cleaned for a sick person.. yikes!  not cool.) but a sister or mom could do it.  In this case, again the husband probably could clean and its easy to think why can't the family step up?  Well chances are they are stressed and overworked and stretched to capacity, so anything you can do to ease their burden is wonderful.  
• Basically any kind of thoughtful gesture is wonderful and means a lot.  Flowers, treats, notes, emails, texts all really help too.  A listening and empathetic ear can make a big difference.  Offering to pray or fast, or put your name on the temple roll, helps you feel supported and is really so kind.  
• In sum, any small act you can do goes a long way. Just remember everyone is busy and everyone has an excuse but if you really care you can find a way to make something work.  And always be specific when offering to help.  Instead of "let me know if  I can help", (which they never will) offer something like "can I pick your kids up from school? or "do you need anything from the store?" "what night can I bring dinner?"  "when can I take your kids", etc...  
• And above all, be kind and withold judgement.  It's easy to judge them to our standards using our personality, background, strengths as a measuring stick.  I do this a lot and its really not good or fair.  Even if they should "toughen up" or "get over it" or "don't deserve help because they're wimpy or whiny etc.", doesn't mean you shouldn't help them.  You don't know what they've already overcome, what they're silently fighting, what kind of experiences made them into who they are, and most importantly the Lord doesn't care about that.  He cares that we serve each other no matter what, because he does to us, and we definitely don't "deserve it".  

I hope this doesn't come off judgy or self righteous or like I'm comparing my little experience to a chronic illness or cancer or something like that.  I just know I learned a lot but unfortunately those lessons fade fast, so I wanted to record how I felt and how I be better at  helping others and if its helpful to you too, that's a bonus.