Hello Serious Susan, Goodbye Funny Girl

Who wants to be a Serious Susan?  I have fought my whole life against that because ironically even though my whole focus and a huge part of my identity was being "funny", I still came across as a serious Susan. I hated that.  I tried everything to rid myself of that label. I wanted to be loud, fun, bigger than life and of course hilariously funny.  Roughly .7% of the population has seen me as that party in a bottle personality, but man those 3 people could tell you some stories ;).

What I pictured myself as...

  

But for the rest of the 99.3% I just kept trying to prove that I wasn't the old British butler I appeared to be.  

What I come across as....

Blogging and social media came along which was a perfect forum for my introverted little heart so that is where I let it all out.  Finally I was getting recognized as funny, a label I had dreamed of my whole life.  Nevermind the backhanded compliment that almost everyone, especially those that had known me most of my life, would say; "Eliza! I never knew how funny you were!".  I had arrived. 

I'll skip the awakening part, but I realized I had completely lost sight of people and feelings and thoughtfulness. I was so deadset on being funny I was just being mean and thoughtless.  So I closed my old blog and swore to be better.  

Even though I tried to reform my online persona, my in person persona was still bitingly sarcastic.  

After we had been married for awhile Josh and I were having a friendly debate on whether sarcasm was a good thing. I said "Of course it is, it's funny, its a way to express yourself, it helps sometimes to get out some minor aggression and express your annoyances but in a light way, (like to a loud gum chewer, "Enjoying that gum there?") and it can be witty and clever."  

Josh countered and said it was just plain rude. I conceded a little and said that sure sometimes it goes too far, and if the intent is bad then that will come through, but the way I did it was just fun.  Then he had me look up the definition of Sarcasm, and honestly that moment completely changed my mind.  

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3. sar·casm
   noun
   the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.synonyms: derision, mockery, ridicule, scorn, sneering, scoffing;                                                                             
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To mock or convey contempt? That's not what I was doing, was I?  Was I derisive, mocking, ridiculing, scorning, sneering, and scoffing?  I still couldn't believe it.  Surely that definition didn't fit me.  Well, pretty soon I started to notice how my sense of humor came across to others. I had always noticed a lot of people didn't get my humor, but I chalked that up to them being lame and humorless (obviously, someone with a good sense of humor will find me hilarious).  Even seemingly innocent jokes that I thought were tame and could never hurt feelings seemed to shock people at the least and offend people at the most. My eyes were slowly opened through Josh's perspective that no matter how you cut it, sarcasm is mean. 

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Here's some things I've learned that have made me think twice about going for that precious laugh.

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When you're talking to another person and you make a sarcastic remark to them, even if it's in good fun and pretty mild, it makes them self-conscious and hyper aware of what they're saying and doing and who they are as a person, which obviously cramps any kind of hope for vulnerability and intimacy.     

When you're in a conversation about someone or even a general concept (i.e. being too open), whomever is listening is taking notes and going away with new "rules" for what is worthy of mocking, and if they fit within those descriptions or concepts, they know to shut that part of them down.  Which is honestly a tragedy.  This sends the message that only a certain type is acceptable and worthy of our love. 

Joking about yourself-  This one is still a huge battle for me and one I definitely haven't conquered, but I have really paid the price for this one so I keep trying to be better. The way I talk about myself starts with how I think about myself and if those are consistent thoughts, my brain starts to believe them.  Guess who else believes it?  Any person within earshot. If I joke about being a lazy slob, pretty soon that's all I and others will see me as.  My strengths will be overlooked and my flaws will be exaggerated.  

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I used to think being funny was probably one of the most important qualities you could have.  But as my kids grow up and I think about the kind of family culture I want them to develop in, I thought of what I want, and while a sense of humor is important to me and will serve them well in life, if being funny is too emphasized, it can cost a price I'm not willing to pay. The price of having quieter, less "funny" people fading in the background, people not feeling free to express themselves or be themselves for fear of getting made fun of, and a culture where a joke is prioritized over someone's feelings is not worth it.  I love to laugh and I love funny people, so I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, I just have noticed that if my goal is to be funny I can lose perspective really quickly.  So Goodbye Lloyd Christmas, Hello Mr. Carson.  

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