The "Quiet" Person's Manifesto

"Wow, you literally have not stopped talking, you are soooo loud and chatty".  Have you ever heard that said in polite company?  Probably not, and if you did, it would be appalling and everyone older than 5 would know that's just rude.  But I guarantee you have heard almost an identical phrase but instead of loud and chatty it would go something like this: Wow, you haven't said 2 words tonight, you sure are being extra quiet tonight".  or "Well of course Sara wouldn't say that she's too shy and quiet".  Or my favorite most helpful observation:  "You're being quiet, why don't you talk or tell us a story?"  Can you tell that maybe these phrases have been said to me before?  And clearly, I feel great about it and therefore I have nothing more to say.  Oh okay, if you really twist my arm, I'll tell you in approximately 6-8 really longwinded paragraphs why this bothers me just a little bit.

If you read some of those phrases and thought "oh I've totally said that before", maybe get ready and have a phone number handy so you can talk your bishop or priest after this, because you will feel TERRIBLE, and the need to repent will eat you up inside.  Just kidding, we're just having fun here aren't we?  And I've added some colon smileys and even some semi-colon winkey smileys so you know its going to be a good time.  ; ) See. Already so fun.   I'm sure you are all lovely, outgoing, vivacious people, and if you have said one of the above phrases to "quiet" people it was because you meant well and wanted to draw someone out.  That is a lovely thought, and I appreciate the intent, but I feel it my personal responsibility to tell you something my grandpa once said to a knuckleheaded grandson, "you're smart, but you're wrong!"

So let's dive in and talk about why "you're wrong". But don't forget, you're smart too!

•  Its offensive. Just like the first sentence of my post would be offensive, telling someone they're quiet is calling someone out in an uncomfortable way and labeling them.  Labeling period tends to be offensive because a) you may completely misread someone and b)no one likes to be boxed in by a one dimensional label.  But beyond the labeling, there is almost always a negative connotation behind it.  Unless you're a 3rd grade pupil in a notoriously scary teacher's class, no one really aspires to be quiet, it's not really seen in a positive light.  It's a softer way of saying that you are boring, have no personality and are not adding anything to the group/interaction.  Sometimes its another way of expressing annoyance, because its seen as being stuck up or arrogant because the quietness is misinterpreted. Last time I checked, boring/arrogant/no personality are not compliments, nor are they neutral statements.  
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• On the off chance that you are well meaning and truly were just making a neutral observation out loud, let me help you out.   A) the "quiet" person won't see the innocent intent B) if by chance they actually don't get offended (they are my hero and I want them to come raise my children and be my life coach)  it's just awkward.  How on earth do you respond to a statement or a question like that? "yep I am quiet.  I'm super proud of it, its one of my best qualities...."   "really?  hmm, I guess I was just too busy listening to you tell me in incredible, graphic detail all about your child's birth, I'm sorry I'll just start talking over you now." ( fyi, I actually do love birth stories, although I could do without the dropping of anatomical words thrown into the mix.  It's so beautiful til you throw in certain words.  Its like birds singing on a picturesque sunny bright day and then BAM you get hit in the face with some bird, ya know, excrement.  Anyway, carry on and don't be bashful about those stories, but please assume I know where babies come from and where and how they get out and don't need reminders, and then we'll be fast friends)    Sorry for the snark, but you get my meaning right?  I truly just don't know an appropriate response, I usually just mumble "really?  hmmm.. and my hmm fades out into more of a hum as long as my breath control lets me (not very long, thanks a lot voice lessons) and then its eventually silent again and then I panic and think "dang it, I went quiet again, maybe say "hmm" again but in a higher tone with more of a question mark at the end? or hurry and be funny, what was that joke again, ahhhh the timer in my head of when things get awkward is going off and I still don't have anything to say, maybe just spill about your marriage, that's a good start"  As you can see no one wants that result, it just gets... messy and awkward.  Truly there is just no good response, because I think its more of a rhetorical way of saying "gosh, what's wrong with you, just talk!"  Which is an introverts dream to just perform on demand, ; ) (another winkey face, isn't this fun?)  
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• Also, this is a tangent but another thing I've noticed is how when someone is perceived as quiet there are a bunch of sister characteristics that are lumped in together and if you're quiet it must mean you are also; a goody-goody, humorless, a rule follower, clean, orderly, on top of it, proper, not sarcastic, always kind and good, and never ever having wicked impulses or shocking thoughts.  I can't tell you how many times I've almost shocked the pants off of people for breaking out of this stereotype that goes along with quiet.  I'll say something sarcastic under my breath and its like I just knocked the wind out of them.  And I want to say "oh I'm sorry, did that not fit into your picture of me when you were so busy talking about yourself and NOT getting to know me?"  They saw me in public and saw that I didn't shout out "OH NO, he di-unt!"  and start dancing? or yelling jokes across the room?, or something?  I don't know, its so confusing to me, what do loud, outgoing people do? I'm actually not mute and will talk, especially if you approach me, so I guess, it's so bizarre to me that being on the quiet side means that you are assumed to always have a clean house and to have always got your homework done and gotten straight A's and never sluffed, and are always taking dinner to people.  (I don't, I didn't, I didn't,  I totally did, and I do sometimes, but I HATE it.  See, I'm terrible, just like you. ; ) So please stop trying to make me pretend I'm a better person than I really am, it's exhausting. ;)  Of course not every "quiet" person is like me, so they really might have gotten straight A's, and they really might be a good person, but it has nothing to do with their so called trait of being quiet. Everyone has a mixed bag of characteristics, so let's stop assuming we can fill in the blank when we think someone is "quiet".

• Before I talk about what is wrong with quiet people, let me put a disclaimer out there.  I am very patient with "quiet" people but I will say I have absolutely no patience with coldness.  I will always maintain that you can be shy and quiet and still be warm.  I've known many people that barely say a word, but they smile, they listen intently and you know they are with you and are interested and invested in you and the conversation.  I've also talked to some people that barely make eye contact, act disinterested, never ask questions and their answers are as short, hurried and general as possible.  They really might suffer from some anxiety or aspergers or something, but honestly I really think even in their case you can always smile and be warm.  So, there you go, just a little sidenote saying that I get it can be frustrating when you're trying to get to know someone that is on the quiet side and of course they need to put effort in.  I get it, and like I said I think they're in the wrong if they're cold and unapproachable.  But, if they're warm and kind, just be patient with them.  
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• Okay so what is "wrong" with quiet people?  Why are they so darn quiet?  That is a complicated question and I definitely can't speak for everyone, so I'll just speak from my experience.   In my case, it's offensive to me to be called quiet because that's just not who I really am.  And yes there are some people out there who really might always be quiet, with their spouse, friends, etc... but I think they are in the minority, and even if they are, they definitely have some layers that are more than being "quiet". They are probably incredibly observant, perceptive, wise, deep, and a host of other characteristics that we all can see the value in.  But perhaps for the other part, the majority of these "quiet" people aren't really quiet.  That's just not who they are when they're themselves. They become quiet when they just aren't comfortable with 1) themselves, or 2) with you or in 3) a particular setting.  For me, I am a social balancer.  If I'm with "quiet" people I compensate and chat everyone's ears off and give them way more information and feeling and opinion than anyone bargained for.  For proof of this, just come to a r.s. lesson where no one is commenting. OH I bet they'll comment afterwards to their husbands on what that crazy eliza said again.   You're welcome.  But then, if I'm in a group with a lot of "loud" people I'm just not willing to fight for the floor and I'm happy to take the role of the appreciative audience.  Again, you're welcome, here to help.  ; )  So that has to do with me, number 1.   Sometimes it has to do with the other person, reason #2.  Sometimes it just comes down to chemistry.  In my case, I just kind of shut down with a certain personality type.  They just fry my circuits, and that's fine and I don't have bad feelings towards them, I'm just not going to be myself with them. It's not out of choice or snottiness, it's just that I'm not comfortable and the combination of our personalities isn't meshing and bringing out the real me.  Maybe that's the case with you.  I know I sometimes ask too personal of questions and that really stresses out more private people (why won't they tell me what mistakes their parents made? what's wrong with them?; ) and so they will get quiet with me.  It's just a simple addition equation that doesn't add up to a great match or conversation.  It's fine, but it does not mean that one or series of interactions makes that person into that one trait you saw.  They could be a completely different person when they're around someone else.   Reason #3,  Sometimes I'm sensitive to the setting and/or format.  I absolutely hate/loathe/abhor small talk/mingling in party situations.  Oh man oh man, this is my nightmare.   Oh, how I hate walking up to a group and just elbowing my way in and start talking.  WHY????  WHy do we do this to people like me?  Is it a test?  Is this my personal trial on my "journey"?  You either have to be really awesome and super funny and/or willing to stoop to really awesome lame jokes, or you can start talking about things like the food, the decor, and the weather.  WHYYYYYYYYYY???????????   What did I do to deserve this kind of punishment?  Anyway, I digress, but my point is in that case its not the people, its just the setting.  And if you were to sit with the "quiet person" in a setting they are comfortable in, you might see a whole different side to them.  

Basically my point is, that to minimize someone's whole personality to just "quiet"  is really unfair to them and you.  If you're not so quick to label, and then announce that super helpful, complimentary label ; ) , and you exercise a little patience and understanding, you might get to know an incredible person that could contribute enormously to your life in unseen ways.  So stop saying "you're quiet" and maybe be a little quiet yourself and go get to know a "quiet" person today.  You can thank me later.